Surprising Homophobia

Sometimes you encounter homophobia in the oddest places. You think you are "safe" being around people you know, but then the bomb drops and you are just left dumbfounded. This weekend, I was smacked across the face with just such a case of homophobia that was barely hidden beneath a polish of politeness.

Introductions

My husband and I were invited to a house warming party by a very friendly coworker. Being that we've not had the opportunity to hang out with this person outside of work, and that we were promised free alcohol, we decided to take the friend up on the offer and make our way to the party.

Going to a new friend's party is always a bit awkward. You know you're going to meet lots of new people but you have no idea if you'll get along with them. You hope you will because you get along with the host. You also have no idea if these people are going to be "ok with The Gay" or not, and again, you hope they will be because the host is. But you never really know what to expect, so you go in with your head high and assuming the best, prepared for the worst.

It turned out to be mostly a family party, with our friend and his girlfriend's family accounting for almost all of the guests, so being the random coworker and his husband was already a bit odd, but everyone was friendly enough and conversation came easily, if a little strained. Everyone had smiles on, but many of the other guest had a look of suspicion in their eyes as well.

Our first indication that things may not have been as fun as they seemed should have been when the coworker introduced us around. We were introduced as "This is Coworker, and this is Dickie." Notice the lack of any connection between us. My husband being introduced as Coworker explained him being invited, but Random Guy Here Next To Him had no logical reason for being there. I was not introduced as a friend of the host, nor as being connected to Coworker at all.

As the alcohol flowed a bit more, people relaxed and tensions (as well as suspicions) eased. We introduced ourselves as husbands to those who inquired and didn't receive any more negative feedback than a couple temporary looks of confusion or surprise which were invariable replaced by "Oh, that's cool." But things didn't stay that easy throughout the evening.

Only "Real Men" Allowed

As anyone that has read here for a while, or anyone that knows me outside my virtual identity, knows, I'm pretty pro military. I'm very pro-DADT repeal. It may seem odd that a Progressive would be pro-military, but I've always believed that a strong defense is the best offense. That may be the result of growing up in a military family, but I've reinforced that belief since childhood so I can state that it's not an irrational belief and is something that I can support in a discussion on the topic.

So when I was told by someone at the party that only Real Men serve in the armed forces and that is why gay men won't serve (the implication is that gay men are not Real Men), I was taken aback. I was further informed that I'm less of a man because I refused to join the military while DADT was still law. I've stated here before: joining the military is a personal decision and one that everyone that does so must weigh heavily, particularly LGBT people who must understand the extent to which the law forces closeting on them, and I chose to not volunteer my services because I strongly disagree with lying about who I am. But to be told that I am obviously less of a man because of that decision, and in light of the reasoning for that person telling me this, I felt like I was slapped with the power of raw, unbridled Homophobia. But it didn't end there.

We should have left at that point. We should have taken that queue and taken our leave. There were those present at the gathering that did not want us there. That was now obvious. But Husband wanted to stay because we were there by Coworker's invitation. Husband quelled the military discussion and got everyone to smile and move on (one of Husband's many talents) and things went back to normal. For a time.

Straw, Meet Camel's Back

Then, of course, it hit. During a discussion of why some couples chose to marry, spawned by someone being brave enough to ask why the token gay couple chose to marry while a few of the hetero couples chose to no marry just yet or not marry at all. The conversation was going along just fine until someone mentioned that she thought all gay men were promiscuous, so therefore marriage shouldn't be granted to gay men. After all, she has another gay friend and he's promiscuous, so all gay men must be.

That is when we decided it was best to leave. There simply was nothing left to say. We could have sat and argued, we could have ostracized this person, we could have started a screaming match, but after feeling like we had been shat on three times in one evening, whether overtly or not, we knew it was time to cut our loses and go. We let this person know we found their opinion offensive, stated our point again, then excused ourselves from the party.

How To Fight

I realize Coworker is not a homophobe, although he may still have some issues to work through. And many of the party-goers were not homophobes either. One of the couple's we were speaking to made it clear their dedication to gay rights. But also no one spoke up against the vocal homophobe at the party. Maybe they were all just as shocked by what this person was saying, or maybe they just did not know what to say, or maybe they thought it best not to rock the boat too much. I can't blame them too much, I suppose, but passive acceptance of bigoted views is almost as bad as having and expressing those views.

Should we have busted out the rainbow flags and endless looped house remixes of Madonna and Cher mashups? Should we have stayed our ground a bit more, social situation be damned? Should we have simply left earlier in the evening at the first warning signs? I can't really answer any of those questions, but I do feel like we made the best decision for us: we stated our disagreement with the homophobe and put forth our views then moved on when it was obvious this person was not going to change their views.

It still just amazes me that this kind of homophobia is accepted and allowed to fester, and it still amazes me that people have the gall to state their bigoted views right to our faces and expect no retribution. But if we're the only ones fighting back, who is there to force a change in that person's heart?

In any case, we've learned a valuable lesson: love your friends, but be weary of their friends. Just because your friend is a good person it doesn't mean they always associate with or are related to other good people. But I'm still left wondering how best to handle that situation in the future, as I'm sure this is not that last time we'll encounter a homophobe in hiding.

We Have To Change The Mentality

It seems like everyday we are running into this problem: Some one, some where has decided that the word Gay, in and of itself, must immediately mean Adult. Microsoft has been guilty of it. Amazon has been guilty of it. And now school districts are being called out for it. This mentality is one of the biggest challenges we as a community have to overcome, and it's a mentality that has to change.

Underlying this problem is that homosexuality must be spoke of only in grown-up circles, which means that Heterosexual people feel there is something naughty, wrong or dirty about gay people. That, my friends, is the real problem. Every day we hear about Parents complaining that they don't want their children taught about homosexuality at school, or that they will teach their kids about the Gays. Any suggestion that someone else will educate their children about sexuality (read: give their kids unbiased information about human sexuality) sets of some sort of red flag in these people and they freak out. Why do they freak out? Because in their minds, gay people are evil, and evil is something a child should not be exposed to.

It's not sexuality as a whole they are opposed to. No one complains about Cinderella being on the bookshelves or performed on stage. No one gripes that kids read through several Shakespeare plays. Parents hardly bat an eye at their kids reading Tess of the d'Urdervilles in English class. But put a children's book that talks about two same-sex penguins raising a baby penguin together and the world starts to fall apart. It is clear that these heterosexist people would prefer their children learn about rape and sexual subversion, as long as it's between opposite sex people, than learn about a happy home life without mention of sex at all, simply because that home life deals with two guy penguins.

I ran into this issue at a previous job and raised a stink about it. While I was not able to view sites like 365Gay, my contemporaries were able to surf sites like ESPN. What does gay news and sports news have to due with each other? Nothing, but that's my point. Sports news is irrelevant. It's pure entertainment. Yet gay news is flagged as bad with an "adult" warning splash page and a stern message that IT monitors all web traffic. 365Gay is a news organization. There is nothing particularly "adult" about news, not any more than CNN (which was not blocked). The underlying assumption is that if a site is gay-specific, then it must either be evil or pornographic and good workers wouldn't waste their time with it on the job. However, if those workers would like to fall in line with the heteronormative behavior of sports water-cooler talk, that is ok. I was not happy. I let people know. It was changed. I don't work there anymore.

This is the mentality that holds us back, and a mentality that we sometimes feed into. Ever been on a date in a hetero neighborhood with a guy who refuses to hold your hand because there are kids around? How about being out with a group of your gay pals who decide to "tone it down" because of the family at the table over? What about trying to pretend to not be boyfriends at the bookstore because that mommy an isle over gave you a dirty look and shuffled her kid ahead of her when she saw you sneak a quick peck? That feeds into this ideal because we're validating it. By being submissive to this concept that gay is bad or should not be presented to children, we are agreeing with it.

We have to fight this mentality, and the ONLY way to fight it is to be brazen and be brave. There is NOTHING wrong with you for being gay, and you relationship is not bad, evil, disgusting or any less appropriate than hetero relationships. THEY are the ones with the problem, but WE are the ones that have to make them recognize that reality. That not-so-subtle homophobia has gone unchecked for far to long.

Being Gay At The Straight Bar

Would this be the same everywhere else?  I think it'd be similar here in Chicago for the most part, but what about Cincinnati?

It's Time For A TEA Party! And, No, It's Not The IML Kind...

I have to admit, I'm a bit amused by the newest sham being thrown together by the Conservatives of our country. On Tax Day, April 15, the right wing plans to protest all across the country at the same time to show their disgust for such things as:

- "How dare they let them there brown people into my country… that my ancestors stole from them…"
- "How dare the Gov'mint try to provide realistic solutions to the our farcical health care system" - "How dare them Warshinton Elitists attempt to tax themselves more so that we average Amuricans can pay our bills better."

And my personal favorite:

- "How dare them bastards support equal rights for them gays and them blacks and them Latinos! This is my country!"

They are calling it the TEA Party (how quaint), and acronym for Taxed Enough Already. Which you are Taxed Enough Already. If you make less than $150,000 a year, which is why your taxes won't go up with the Obama Administration's plan, but hey, who's actually taking the time to read things when it's much easier to listen to the Republican Savior Bill O'Reilly.

It simply amazes me that somehow, poor and middle-class white x-tians have convinced themselves that they should be fighting for the rights of rich white atheists instead of for their own rights and their neighbors rights. Or doing things like, I don't know, helping and loving your neighbor… or working to alleviate to that pesky poverty issue… or whatever.

To be honest, the above quotes are paraphrased. It seems that haters feel the need to hide their bigoted thoughts with as flowery a wording as they can manage. But, if you feel so inclined as to see the actual wording (and to be fair to the opposition… which is more than they'd consider), here's the link to Official TEA website. You can even get names and phone numbers of local idiots near you! Except Chicago, because the organizer is apparently to afraid to post his/her own information...

Take Action Tomorrow, Whatever You Do

I'm really worried about this Day Without A Gay movement tomorrow. I've said my peace and stated what I think we should do, and what I will do, but there is a lot of talk in the world today about the event. Talk is good. But too much talk and no action is bad.

As a movement, LGBT people have made powerful statements over the past few weeks. I'm not sure that tomorrow will go as planned, and the media will feast on that and say things like "Is the movement already dead?" Blah, blah, blah. We'll know that isn't true, and realize that the idea of Day Without A Gay may not have been as well thought out as necessary. But the public won't realize that, and the rabid, anti-gay twits of the world will dine on the news like it was Jesus' Last Supper.

I could be over-reacting, as I've been known to do (c'mon, you read this blog, you know full well that I can stretch things at times). I sympathize with people that do not feel they should participate… well, some of them. Not the ones that are saying that they aren't out at work and so they can't join the fight. Nah, I don't sympathize with them. They, more than any one else, need to take advantage of my proposed Day With A Gay alternate-movement.

See, many people in our community like to argue that our LGBT rights are the absolute same thing as African-American rights. But they aren't. They share commonalities, and the soul is the same, but it's because of people that hide in closets that it's not the same. Black people have to face discrimination. They have fight that look they get from bigoted people every day. Gay people do too, at least those of us who choose to live open and take control of our environment. But while we still have the large majority of our population hiding and cowering in fear, achieving equality will not be easy.

I strongly encourage you to spend tomorrow talking to friends, family and co-workers about equality for everyone and why it is important for us all. If you choose to participate in Day Without A Gay, make sure you then turn around and show the world that you're not just some lazy bum looking to take an extra day off. Make sure that you make an impact, talk to people, join a protest and/or volunteer your time to a queer-friendly organization.

You Can't Make This Up

I'm seriously having trouble understanding why people even listen to twits like this guy anymore. Remember Sally Kern, the Oklahoma State Rep that rallies votes by spreading scary "gays are going to invade and rape all our menses" stories? Her husband, Steve Kern, is a pastor at a local church (go figure), and recently had this to say about us queers:

"We have to get rid of that and start curing those sinners. It's past time that this nation stopped placating sin and start putting them in education programs. Courts can force drug offenders into treatment centers and violent people into anger management. There's no reason our courts can't do that with homos."

Yep, we should be sent to rehabilitation. Sent away and taught to love the punnany. But only for reproductive purposes, of course. Maybe that's why these people are so angry, they only have sex when they want to make a baby.

Still, I have to wonder if their followers wake up in the morning and think to themselves "Gee, I just can't wait to suggest that gay people should be more oppressed in our society." It must be great to not have to think about other people and completely disregard other people's freedoms when describing your perfect future. I've said it a million times, I think Christians should absolutely have the right to practice their religion. But do it in the privacy of your own home, we all don't want to have to see that in public, and how in the world are we going to explain it to our kids? Oh… wait…

I want to be able to laugh at these kinds of bigots, but when I realize they wield some political power, no matter how much, I get concerned. Then, I just get pissed. But with this guy, I really feel saddened and embarrassed that our educational system has failed to impart the proper knowledge of how our justice system works, and that his special breed of disturbed hate is more likely to get him sent to rehab than any cock-loving queen out there.