In Which I Find Out If My Boyfriend Is Gay...

I love Google Ads. I really do. I think they are a blogger's bestest friend. If you're not familiar with how they work, essentially Google scans your page for keywords and content and tries to match relevant ads to your page. Most times it works, sometimes we get the "John McCain fiasco" (during the election period, I had quite a few pro-McCain ads on my page because I wrote so much against him…oh well, he still lost!). Every once in a while I like to check out the ads and, if they are interesting, I'll click through and see what they're about (by the way, you should absolutely do the same).

Earlier today, I saw this ad pictured on the right in one of my columns, and being the curious type, I figured I should probably find out if indeed my man is gay. You see, I'm not 100% sure, so I felt I should take a random internet survey to allay my concerns. When I clicked through, I was greeted with this cheery little message:

"Nobody wants to think their significant other is playing for the other team, but anything is possible. Some men are in a committed relationship and living on the down low. Is there a chance your man might prefer the company of men? Take our telling quiz and find out if you're at risk for losing your man to the handsome guy next door. "

Absolutely, I need to know if my man is "living on the down low!" I'm so paranoid that he "might prefer the company of men" that I had to move in with him after a year of dating, to help him stave off those unnatural impulses, you see. And my man does kind of look like the gayest man ever here, who is featured prominently next to the above text, so now I'm really compelled to answer your 12 easy questions that will diagnose my delusional paranoia and seal my future!

Several of the questions were very telling, and made me really start to think about who I am dating. Yes, he does prefer Celine Dion to Disturbed, but at the same time, he would never, ever dress in women's clothing. He does own a lot of designer clothing though, but he'd prefer a live football game over a Disney On Ice show, hands down. Oh, the suspense was palpable! Is he, or isn't he? This questionnaire made me suffer through 12 arduous questions and then I had to wait and watch ads while my results were calculated! It was just unbearable!



Finally, I got my results. I was sure I'd receive a reaffirming message that, in fact, my man was straight as an arrow… but I guess it just wasn't mean to be. Here's my results:

"We're not saying your man is gay; we're just saying he might be gay. Maybe he's the consummate metro sexual or maybe the signs point to the fact that there is something he's not telling you -- like the fact that he likes men. At the heart of the matter, it appears your man enjoys some stereotypically "gay" things -- ABBA, pink shirts. The Birdcage, cross-stitching and Broadway. And did we mention your sex life sucks? While there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, you probably want to explore the fact that you and your man really aren't a match made in heaven. If you've had your suspicions, it's time to bring them up. While it's a great thing to have something in common with your significant other, your love of the same sex probably shouldn't be that 'thing.'"

But he doesn't own pink shirts, and I specifically said he'd enjoy Die Harder over Birdcage any day! So what if he likes Broadway! And I told you we have sex multiple times a week!! Oh, but it's too late… the verdict is in, my man is a big old 'mo.

...

Ok, all kidding aside, the entire time I laughed at the ridiculousness until I realized that there really are people that perceive things this way. If a man likes Celine Dion, or pop music at all for that matter, he must be queer. This survey is the kind of gay-baiting that prevents our culture from moving forward. It's the same kind of ludicrous standards that allow for female sexual exploration while men are not even allowed to consider kissing another dude.

And as sad as that all is, that's one of the biggest barriers LGBT people face when trying to make advances. Many hetero people are unable to move beyond their notions of what masculinity is, and any person that questions those notions or puts them into check is a direct affront to them. The mere fact that one of the "tale tell" signs in this survey that your man is gay is whether or not he puts on women's clothing says a lot about how we are perceived. A lot of sad, pathetic things about how we're perceived.

Of course, this is one silly survey on a bait and ad site, so it would be easy to trivialize it. But these things exist because people click on them, and I guarantee you that far more people click on them to actually see if they're man is gay than people that click on them out of irony and humor.