Good As You has a good article up today about the marriage equality in this country and how there are two growing camps within the LGBT community on how to best be civil advocates for marriage rights. Essentially, there is the camp that believes that LGBT couples should take advantage of marriage rights (or something not quite equal and definitely separate) where they can, and the camp that believes LGBT folk should abstain from marriage all together until we can receive full and Federal equal rights.
The marriage activists state that getting married when and where we can allows us as a community to show the world how important marriage is to us and that me marrying my boyfriend is not going to ruin the world. We should take advantage of the rights we are afforded when we are afforded them, and take California's Proposition 8 debacle as a sign of things to come: rights fought for may not always be there. Furthermore, when we do get married, like the couples in California that were able to prior to the hateful bile that is Prop 8, our marriages cause massive legal roadblocks and force people to question the legitimacy of statements like "those who are married can stay that way, but those who aren't already can't get married… and we have no idea what we'll do when it comes to divorce because we don't recognize same-sex couples as legally married… except sometimes."
The abstention group states that to show our opposition to the current state of affairs, and to force heterosexual people that may not even have truly considered the issue, we will not participate in the institution of marriage at all until we have full, Federal equality. We shouldn't marry where legal and we shouldn't participate in marriages. Don't go to your buddy's wedding or your sister's ceremony as a statement. Show the world what they are missing by not allowing us to partake in what should be our legal rights. If we can't get treated equally, than rewarding heterosexual couples for their special treatment doesn't help our cause.
While part of me wants to belong to the more radical thought process of abandoning marriage altogether, I just can't bring myself to that side of the debate. Don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily against the concept, I just don't think it's the most useful argument for a couple reasons. First, this argument assumes that LGBT couples are actively participating in civil disobedience because they are refusing to marry. That in itself assumes that couples are in a place of the relationship where marriage is the next step. Second, chances are that if you are invited to a wedding, that person likely knows your sexual orientation and (hopefully, if they are your friend) are supportive of you. Punishing that person for not supporting equal rights when they likely do does not seem to be a good thing to do.
If someone is not support of you as an LGBT person, I say go all out on boycotting their wedding. I think it's quite a reasonable question when responding to a wedding invite if the happy-to-be couple supports marriage equality. If they respond in the affirmative, then feel free to join and bring your boyfriend/girlfriend with to the ceremony. However, if they respond negatively, politely letting them know that you can't stand for special treatment in this country is completely appropriate.
I also feel that the strongest statement we can make is to take advantage of our rights when and where we have them, assuming we are in a position to do so. Being able to demand that your work place offer your husband benefits or to introduce your wife as such without a hint or sarcasm is a very strong and powerful statement. It shows our desire as a community to have those rights and our willingness to assume those same responsibilities. It shows that this isn't a fight we are fighting just for shigiggles, but it's a war we are waging for ourselves.
If you don't believe that marriage is right for you and your partner, then I wouldn't presume to pressure you into marriage. I don't believe that we should rush out to marry frivolously. We should honor the concept, and cherish it as well. But I expect the same out of anyone getting married. The key here is that expect equal treatment; equal right to marry and equal responsibility to take that decision seriously. The same as any other couple. That's what we want, at the end of the day, isn't it? To be treated the same?
So while I respect those that had decided to abstain totally from the institution of marriage, I also respectfully disagree. I hope that I can join the ranks of the married some day. And I hope that I have the opportunity to think through the implications completely and to enjoy the benefits, just the same as every one else.
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