Dating The Newbies

Another week, another episode of Mores For Gays. Normally, I would embed the video into my post, but for some reason, the LOGO player automatically plays whenever the page is loaded, and I have no idea whether that's LOGO's player's fault or my sites fault, but in either case, I'll just link to it for you to see if you'd like.

The idea for this shows was: is it ok to date the newbies, aka newly out gay men? He gives a few roundabout answers, as per usual, and doesn't really come to a solid conclusion (although I like this series, I really don't like his lack of an answer to any of these topics).

Here's my thought, and it's one that's echoed in the video. As I've mentioned before, I think most men have are emotionally stunted when they first Come Out. Regardless of the age of the sexuality reckoning, men instantly revert back to 16 when they start dating other men. There are a lot of reasons for this, but I think the most basic reason is that the lessons we most hetero people learn in high school concerning love and romance, we missed out on. And those lessons are critical to dating survival. So, karmically (is that a word?), we need to suffer through the pain and awkardness just like everyone else.

Once I was in college, I personally made a choice to not date newbies. I had come out in high school, and although I did not date widly, I did date a bit. When it came time to go to college, and I was old enough to start hitting up the bars, I realized that many of the guys my own age, if they were out at the time, were no where near ready to actually date. Sure, they were cool with A date, and fine with the casual sex, but actually dating was a whole different issue. So I swore off the newbies and said no more. Only seasoned queers for me.

Now, I do realize that's a rather pretentious stance to take in some people's eyes, but it was more self preservation than anything. What I also realize is that blanket qualifying all recently out 'mos as undatable is pretty short sighted. Not everyone runs wildly into the psychotic zone. Some are actually well adjusted enough to be able to make a smooth transition. The reality is that those guys are few and far between.

What I do still hold true though, regardless of how long a guy has been "out," if he is not out to his family, it's all a no go. There's just too much drama there, and if he decides to come out to them while you are dating, you will forever be looked at as the devil that changed the family baby. And if he doesn't have the emotional maturity to talk to his family about his life, than he probably doesn't have the maturity to handle a relationship. And if he's cool with hiding that big of a piece of himself from his own parents, there's nothing he isn't willing to hide from you.

At the end of the day, it comes down to personal judgement. Be careful with the newbies, not just for your own protection, but for the newbies protection as well. They may have come out, but they probably aren't ready for being eveything gay just yet. Best thing to do is be the friend and guide him through his journey, and if something develops down the road, great, but don't try to jump on it right now.

Gay Frat Life Explored: Mores For Gays

Gay video from AfterElton.com

Cute guy from Mores For Gays (Daniel Leary) returns, and with a topic near to me!  This go round, he's talking about the Gay Fraternity, Delta Lambda Phi, but I have to admit, this episode is a bit boring.

Unlike previous episodes, where Daniel provides helpful information and some thoughtful commentary for various situations a gay man may encounter in life, this episode acted more like an info-mercial for Delta Lambda Phi.  Don't get me wrong, I think they are a great organization, but just because they are a gay-centric fraternity does not make them the only choice for young Gay and Bi boys.

I say this as a guy that is an Alumni of Phi Kappa Tau, a national social fraternity.  I was out while in school, and open within the campus Greek community, and was honored to be lead my chapter in several different positions including chapter president.  I'm not tooting my horn here, but what I am trying to get at is, as someone who's been there, there are plenty of good issues that could have been discussed here that were not.

For instance: How should a gay guy approach Open Rush?  What questions should he ask in order to find out if the group is gay friendly, and can he do that without outing himself?  What resources are out there for a gay fraternity man?  How should a gay guy handle situations like hazing and recruitment?  What should he expect out of a traditional social fraternity?  How should he handle housing options?

Those are some of the things that a gay fraternity man could get to know to understand the Mores of fraternity life.  I mean, from my experience, fraternity life was pretty gay anyway... but that's a whole post on its own!