Book Review-ish Thing: Sex At Dawn

Authors and publishers are awfully fond of provocative titles for books, aren't they? I mean, Sex at Dawn just sounds so… sultry! The name immediately conjures up images of a book with cover featuring Fabio shirtless on a horse with a fawning female in the background. That image, however, would be quite wrong.

I'm a big fan of Dan Savage. I like his books, his podcast, his column, his community outreach projects, his television appearances… Yeah, big fan here. On one of his podcasts he made mention of the book Sex at Dawn and I decided that it sounded interesting enough to give it a shot. Dan had mentioned that the book was a look at our pre-historic mating and sexual habits, and that was enough to get me interested.

The books authors, husband and wife team Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, he a psychologist and she a psychiatrist, set out to make a point: the concept that humanity has always existed in monogamous, pair-bonded couples is just false. The authors systematically take apart the argument that marriage, as it exists today, has always and forever been, therefore it should always and forever be. That same argument is often used to implement restrictions on what kind of relationships will be recognized, what behaviors should be legal, and what men and women should be allowed to do with and to their own bodies. The authors thought it was about time that someone step up and say "You know, that's not how we as a species evolved, so perhaps your arguments are wrong."

Sex at Dawn is a very, very interesting read. It is written with a mix of science, psychology, anthropology and sociology (with plenty and wit and humor in the mix to keep those of us not in academia interested). But it is also an important book in that it challenges the standard definition of what human relationships are by looking at our past.

As you progress through the book, you'll learn that the authors don't believe in the standard model of monogamous marriages as espoused by many modern religions (and some governments). You'll also learn that their disbelief is deeply rooted in our ancestry and our biology. And you'll learn all about the bias some researchers have imposed when referring to marriages throughout differing societies.

I won't spill all of the details of the thorough and complete research and information the authors provided, which includes a very long list of citations and suggested reading. But I will say this: it opened my mind as to what it is to be human, and what kind of rules we impose upon ourselves. It's made me ask how did we get to this point we are now in our history? And, probably most important, is any of what we use to do as a species prior to agriculture and settled societies really relevant to what we do today?

I strongly recommend Sex at Dawn to anyone even remotely interested in the topic of how we, as humanity, evolved into who we are today. While the book is about proposing an alternative view to the current assumptions of many of today's scientists, it's also about getting a much deeper understanding of ourselves. I have a feeling there are some who will not enjoy the book, not because the book is explicitly anti-religious or anything to that nature, but because it does fly in the face of current "common knowledge." But just think about where we would be if no one ever questioned the notion that the world is flat, which was Common Knowledge at one time. There's value in the discussion if nothing else, and I hope that you take the time to check out Sex at Dawn and read up on what is a more realistic view of our evolutionary path.

Losing Weight: Body Image Issues Are Hard

One of the things I did not expect when I started on my weight loss odyssey is the odd psychological effects losing weight can have on a person. I've shed some body image issues just to acquire all new ones. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with the more than 40 pounds I've lost, it's just that weight loss comes with a few new mental problems that no one really talks about.

Although I feel better about myself now, there are times where I just hate that I've lost weight. I know, queue the world's smallest violin… believe me, I get it. But it's true, and just because I've lost weight doesn’t mean I my feelings on the matter are less valid. I started on my weight loss journey back at the end of October, but since then I've not particularly had the time or ability to refurnish my wardrobe. I've picked up a few items here and there, but by and large my closet is still the same now at 158 lbs as it was at 200 lbs.

So what does this mean for me? Well, it means that I'm still wearing larger clothes. I'm struggling to make belts fit and find ways to make my favorite shirts wearable. Some things I just can't wear anymore. It affects me in a way that I can only describe as nostalgic. Things would be easier if I just put on the weight again and could fit into my clothes. I think I just need to get new clothes to fix this problem, but some of those clothes are still my favorites and it's hard to let go of them.

The biggest problem I've run into though is straight up body image issues. I've lost 40 pounds. It's noticeable to anyone that's known me then and now. But sometimes I don't see it. Sometimes I look in the mirror and can't see a change at all. Sometimes I feel like I've just wasted time eating better and exercising because I'm still just a chubby guy. I know in my heart that is not the case because just two minutes before thinking that I had to find a belt to hold up the pants that use to fit snug, but in my mind I still feel like I'm big.

This is even weirder for me to handle when I get hit on, which is happening with more frequency. I'm use to being mildly invisible, but now I'm mildly attractive. So when someone approaches me with a little smile and a flirty eye-lash flicker, I feel guilty. I feel like I'm lieing to them because they see a cute guy and all I see is a chubby boy. Those flirtations should be another sign to me that I have lost weight and should act as a tool to help reinforce a new body image, but more often than not I catch myself feeling bad instead of proud.

I know some of my readers at this point are still thinking that this is me throwing myself an unwarranted pity party. The thing is that as I've been losing weight I've been seeking out on-line forums that feature other people that have been going through similar issues. Truth be told though, there aren't many resources for guys out there. I guess we are suppose to be concerned with bulking up or whatever, but some of us just want to be thinner. I have found a few forums like 3 Fat Chicks, but they are pretty targeted to women exclusively. No hate to the ladies out there, but body image issues affect men and women differently I think.

Overall, I'm really well aware of how much work I've put in to losing weight and I am aware that it shows. I wish there was more information available for those of us losing weight about how to handle these body image issues though. I suppose most people are just happy when they lose weight and maybe I'm a freak, but I think more people go through this than admit it. It's kind of taboo to say things like "my weight loss has affected my self-image negatively." And it's not even that I look at my self negatively now as compared to at 200 lbs, it's just that I'm having trouble adjusting to me now.

New Jersey: Yeah, We Kinda Figured CU's Weren't The Same

Here's something odd: Yet another group has found that Civil Unions are not equal to Marriage. In fact, the segregation of the rights into categories, Marriage with full rights/protections and Civil Unions with much less than, has severe negative affects on gay and lesbian couples. Whoda thunk it?

"The final report of the New Jersey Civil Union Review Commission says it gathered 'overwhelming evidence' that the civil union law not only fails to provide the same protections as marriage, it also has created economic, medical and emotional hardships for gay couples. The commission concluded that denying same-sex couples the right to marry is as unjust as government imposing racial segregation laws against African-Americans.

So the Civil Union law in New Jersey was put into place to essentially give our community the same rights as hetero people, but it turns out that's just not the case. That's just sooo weird that if you tell someone that they aren't as cool as you, that person will start to feel bad about themselves. And wouldn't it be just as convenient for organizations to adopt rules that prohibit "union partners" versus "married couples?" Yeah, it would. It happens. IT'S NOT EQUAL!

The report is being sent to the New Jersey legislature for review, who also happens to be the same people that ordered the report. It is very likely that New Jersey will be the first state to enact EQUAL CIVIL MARRIAGES (that have nothing to do with a fucking church or someone else's' kids) legislatively rather than through court action. Well, California would have been that state if the Governator hadn't been a jack-ass an vetoed it twice in an effort to save his political career.

To sum it up: GIMME MAI = MARRIDGE NOAH!

Shocker: People Hating On Gays Make Us Feel Bad!

A slew of new studies have been released showing that, in fact, anti-gay measures such as marriage equality bans have strong, negative impact on the lives of LGBT people. Who woulda thunk that?

In one study, the researchers analyzed people living in states that had just recently passed legislation enshrining second-class citizenship into their constitutions. According to the researcher:

“The results of this study demonstrate that living in a state that has just passed a marriage amendment is associated with higher levels of psychological stress for lesbian, gay and bisexual citizens,” Rostosky said.

“And this stress is not due to other pre-existing conditions or factors; it is a direct result of the negative images and messages associated with the ballot campaign and the passage of the amendment.”

Two more studies were more qualitative, gathering information on how people feel and react to the measures more than the strictly quantitative study above:

Participants reported feeling not just alienated from their communities, but fearful that they would lose their children, that they would become victims of anti-gay violence or that they would need to move to a more accepting community. Some of these anxieties were mitigated by social support.

For instance, one interviewee said he became “petrified …of being raped or roughed up or killed, you know, for doing nothing, basically. I worry about being picked out as a gay guy because my mannerisms are not entirely masculine.” Another said the marriage amendment supporters were using the Bible “like a brick on us. They are beating us with it.”

...

“Some participants identified so deeply with their family member’s experience that they felt equally attacked by these movements and policies,” the researchers wrote. “They considered themselves members of the LGBT community and experienced rejection by others for being a GLBT family member.”

Oddly enough, it appears that when you bash a minority group and tell them over and over again that they are not worthy of the same CIVIL RIGHTS that you have, you're going to inflict psychological harm on that community.

This is the same community that has a drastically higher teenage suicide rate related directly to pressures of the culture to not be gay (read: over tones of the predominantly anti-gay Christian culture). Now toss on to the fire that we are not going to be allowed to marry even when we finally find love in this world. Do you wonder now why we are angry and protesting in streets? Do you wonder now why we are fighting so hard for acceptance and equality? Do you wonder why I hate anyone or anything that espouses anti-gay bigotry under any guise or umbrella?

This is the reality that many people do not get. This is about more than just rights, its about survival. The Christian right continues to fight to impose their worldview on the rest of the country, and while I feel that they should have their right to believe in their particular brand of hocus-pocus magic, I profoundly disagree with their attempts to rule my life from the pulpit.

We cannot allow ourselves to be beaten even one more time. We are not subpar, we are not imperfect, we are not below anyone else. We are beautiful and wonderful. So don't let these measures get you down. Take that sadness and turn it into righteous anger and action. Fight back! Tell them we cannot accept refusal any longer!