The Geeks Conundrum: A Follow Up

My story a couple days ago seemed to resonate with people. My readers appeared to either understand my conundrum or they believed I wad the problem in the story or that the story itself was offensive. Since I've always believed that it is not the offender that gets to decide if his/her actions are offensive, I'll take my readers at word that they were offended or hurt by my words and offer an apology. I'd also like to offer a further examination of the subject. It's quite possible that I am the problem in this equation, but as with most things there is more going on than can be presented in one story, so I'll extend the conversation a bit so we can get some more perspective.

Just The Facts, Ma'am

I'd like to present a few more facts about the situation, as it appears that I did not describe the whole ordeal in enough detail.

My friend and his friend were invited to play as part of this group. My good friend asked me to come along because he knows how much I like pen and paper RPGs, but I let him know that it would be impossible for me to get to the event by the chosen start time but that I would like to go as an observer. I had not played a game of 4th edition yet, so this would provide me the opportunity to learn the game a bit, and would allow myself and the group to get acquainted with one another to see if there was enough chemistry for me to play with this group.

When I arrived an hour and a half after the designated start time, I did two things: introduced myself to the table and asked if they were ok with an observer. The dungeon master said that was ok by him, and the table of players did not return my introduction by introducing themselves. I did not create a character or participate in the narrative of the game.

The game began 30-45 minutes later after the players that had arrived prior to me finished creating their characters and the DM had reviewed them and made his notes. My friend was under the impression that they would start playing at the designated "start" time, but I told him that in many games things will start later, especially in the first session, as players need to fine tune their selections with the DM and the DM addresses any issues or makes adjustments to the story as needed.

The start time was given as 6:30. By 10:00, my friend needed to leave so he could get some rest. I was asked by the group if I'd like to take over a character (my friend's or one of the DM's creations), but I declined as I also needed to get home for some rest. This is when we received the scolding from the DM. While his leaving did disrupt the session, and my unwillingness to take over his character (even though that was by no means part of the plan) did not help the session, he had already participated for 3.5 hours. We should have clarified prior to starting how long the sessions typically last, but I also feel that was a missed communication in both directions.

Stereotypes Are Stereotypically Vicious

So the question arises: why bother bringing stereotypes into the mix? Being a guy that falls into many categories for which negative stereotypes abound, why even breach that subject?

Perhaps it would have been best to describe each person without bringing up the idea of stereotypes. Perhaps it would be simply better to allow the reader to come to their own conclusion about these players and if they fit the gamer stereotype. Perhaps. But I think in any case, some readers would have been offended. I am not above fallacy nor am I a person that believes I am better than anyone else. Unfortunately I am a person that has had an experience that plays into stereotypes. But perhaps their is a reason that my gaming sessions to date have fallen into these tropes more often than some others have experienced.

Are all gamers stereotyped messes? Of course not. Many gamers are socially well adjusted and understand the value of personal hygiene. As one commenter pointed out, gamers have come a long way toward mainstream acceptance, but I should point out that doesn't mean that every member of the gaming populace has followed along in that journey. Just as the LGBT population has moved to more "mainstream" ideas of monogamy, home building and raising children, not every queer person is on board with that. Does the move toward mainstream devalue the opinion of those still in the niche? Nope. It does point out their stark difference to the mainstream though. It's neither a good or a bad thing, but it is a noticeable thing.

So… What Was The Point Then?

I simply wasn't trying to make a "look at all these geeks" post. At the conclusion of the post I stated that I realized I did not fit in with this crowd, and that I felt that the best way for me to get a game of Dungeons and Dragons going that I would enjoy is to surround myself with people like myself. People whom I know I could enjoy playing the game with because we all have a similar perspective. You know, otherwise known as friends.

My gaming outlets to date have mostly been at events such as the one I attended Monday night. Most of my friends are not in to gaming, so in my mind, finding groups like this was the best way to get into gaming. But if I'm running into the same problem over and over again, perhaps the problem isn't the situations, but the problem is me?

Well, maybe. But just as possibly the problem is the nature of these meetings. If you've ever played an MMOG (Massively Multiplayer Online Game… think World of Warcraft), you are probably familiar with the term PUG (pick up group). PUGs share a few common complaints experienced by most players and heard round the blogosphere on a daily basis: people are anti-social, rude, only out for themselves, don't know what they are doing, etc. No one likes to PUG, but they do it because that is what they feel is their only option. It's the same way with these pen and paper games in the real world. No one totally enjoys the experience of meeting up with random strangers for a gaming session, but we love the game enough that we are willing to put up with some discomfort to play our games.

It dawned on me that the problem was everyone at the table. I'm sure some of the players did look at me as if I was some contemptuous punk interrupting their time, just as I looked at them with some wonderment and uncomfortableness. I then asked myself why I would continue to subject myself to these situations that I clearly don't enjoy rather than creating an environment that I do enjoy.

Right. Where Are We Then?

So I'm now at a point where I know that what is best for everyone involved in that game is that my group of friends start our own game and search within our friend base for other players. Maybe we can get some people we never thought would play to participate, or maybe it will be just us for a while. I learned a while ago that I really only cared to play in LGBT-friendly guilds in MMOGs, and that I really only cared to play with friends when I play online shooters for many of the same reasons that I've realized about table-top gaming, it's just now that I realize it about table top gaming I think I will be a much happier person. And the people that I've previously tried to spark up games with will be as well.

Not everyone is compatible in this world. It's a sad fact. We, of course, should all be congenial, but compatibility is a much harder quality to come by. In all things, we should be searching for those we are compatible with. It makes life much easier.

The Geeks Conundrum

It's not really a big surprise to most people that I'm a bit of a geek. I do my best to hide it sometimes, but when it comes to my internet persona and the things I tend to write about, my closet geekiness is betrayed by my familiarity with l33t speak and comfortableness with dissecting various table top game rule sets. As I'm writing this I can literally see my readers clicking away from this story in hopes of not catching "Teh Geek" but bare with me for a moment!

It Ain't Easy Being Geeky

Being a geek ain't easy. Honestly it's not. Being a gay geek is a special type of problem. Being a gay geek that knows how to interact with a group of human beings in a social setting and a geek that enjoys life away from the 20-sided die on occasion is even harder. You see, I like games. Board games, video games, table-top role playing games, collectible card games: you name it, I probably like it. But what I don't like are the people that sometimes come with those games.

I'm not one to often stereotype, but sometimes stereotypes exist because they are more often true than not. When you think about "gamer" in the sense I described above, you often think: anti-social, poor hygiene, a severe lack of style, an obsession with Mountain Dew and Cheetos, an inability to discuss topic non-game related. I'm sure you can name a few more, but in an effort to not be a total ass I'll leave the rest to your imagination. Given these stereotypes, you can understand how it might be difficult for someone who is socially well-adjusted, if a bit shy, and who does value showering, and who does enjoy clothing that was purchased within the past 2 years, and who does pay attention to the world outside of the gaming microcosm, to fit in with the stereotype crowd. And that's where I'm at right now.

Hate The Player, Not The Game

Earlier this week a friend invited me to a Dungeons and Dragons night at a local games shop. Being that I really enjoy D&D (as us geeks are prone to call it) and that I haven't found a group to play with in quite a while, I took my friend up on the offer. I did not have time to get a character together or even make it to the store by the start of the game, but I wanted to go and at least be in the environment to see if I would want to play with the group at all. I'm pretty glad that I did not get as involved as making a character though because I was met with a unmovable wall of stereotype that just turned me and my friend completely off of the scene.

The table was packed full of the usual suspects: dirty clothes, unnaturally bad BO, an inability to introduce oneself to others, an strong aversion to making eye contact, a sick perverse desire to tell others how and what to do, blank stares and questioning looks when common pop culture references are made. It was not pleasant experience. But we decided to stick it through and see where the evening went. After all, the entire table wasn't occupied by weirdos. Myself, my friend and one of his other friends were there, so that accounted for something…. Ok, well, there were a couple others too, but they were hard to see through the haze of peculiar BO.

The evening continued with all the cast of players doing precisely what you would expect. The shyest of the players never spoke, the anti-social tried to commandeer everything, the smellies lifted their damned arms every 3 seconds, and the outright creeps just kept staring at everyone with a look that only a Dohmer would understand. That's not even to mention that the game did not start until almost 2 hours after the designated start time, and when my friend announced to the group we were heading home after an encounter we were scolded with "these games will go till at least 11 pm when we play, you should probably plan on that next time." That caused me to turn my head like a dog who doesn't understand what is being said to him and blink uncontrollably while I tried to understand this person's concept of congeniality.

The Solution, It Has Eluded Me

The big problem is every time I want to play D&D or another style game, I run into variations on this crowd. I can't seem to get other people who are more attuned with my sensibilities to even consider the game, and I can't really bring myself to deal with the normal crowd of players. I want to play, but I don't want to play on the terms that I'm presented with.

Normally at this point, I'd say that means I either have to "buck up or shut up." Either accept the terms presented (with all the "special" people involved) or move on and forget about it. D&D should be about fun and adventure, about stepping into a novel that you and your friends create as you go. It shouldn't be about persevering the literal unwashed masses. It should involve willpower checks for my character, not tests of my personal willpower to deal with anti-social people.

So what do I do? If I continue down the path I'm currently on of finding random games to get involved in, I'm likely to run up against the same results. After thinking about it for far too long, I came to the obvious conclusion: start my own game with just my friends! Yeah, I know, took me long enough to reach that conclusion, right? It is a foreign concept though because I've only ever been a player, never the other side of the table, but it look like that's the leap I'll have to make if I want to keep up gaming.

Plus then I can change the campaigns to involve far more LGBT characters than any other setting I've played before. Maybe then I can work in my tranny dwarf assassin into the story too...

Drag U: First Impressions

The husband and I sat down to watch Ru Paul's new show on Logo, Drag U, last week. Being big fans of Ru Paul's Drag Race, we were very excited to see the new show, if only because it brings some of our favorite queens back to the mix like Ongina and Nina Flowers. While the show was fabulously campy and perfectly low budget, I have to say that it rather annoyed me at times, but I'll get that in a moment.

The basis of the show is that Ru Paul has recruited his favorite (or the fan favorites at least) drag queens from the past two seasons of Drag Race to give biological women drag make overs. In the first episode they transformed three deliciously tomboyish ladies into wonderfully draggy divas! As I said, it's campy, as a show about drag queen performers almost has to be, and fun, as a makeover show should always be. But what was missing was the chance to focus on real human drama.

Some of these women had some serious psychological issues with being feminine. One wanted to spice up a failing marriage and another blamed her former femininity as the reason for being sexually assaulted. And while the producers made mention of these things, they chose not to focus on what their drag transformation might do to positively impact these women, which is a HUGE missed opportunity. That is real drama and the chance to show that these drag divas are more than just stereotypical drama queens was completely missed. Instead the producers focused on made up, scripted, trite "drag drama." "This bitch stole my wig," or "that gurl called me fat" were unnecessary additions to this show and only served to undermine the potential of it.

I was also slightly bothered by the judge's panel. These women are trying to make themselves feel better about themselves and having the judges rate them afterward really undermines that ultimate goal of helping these ladies. If they feel the need to judge anyone, they should judge the queens assigned to the women, as they are the ones ultimately responsible for the new look.

What is great is seeing the family and friend's reaction to their loved one's transformation. Getting a make over from a drag queen is quite different than getting a make over from the Queer Eye team. I also really enjoyed the bits of human drama that were tossed in. I also really like that this is a show that has the potential for a full season filled with cast members I actually like. Speaking of, I do really LOVE seeing my favorite divas again without having to look at that vicious Tyra Sanchez again.

All in all, it's a decent show. I hope to see more variety as the season progresses and I hope they take the time to change up the focus, but I'll give it a few more episodes before I give a final verdict.

I Love Glee, But...

I need to preface what I'm about to write with a disclaimer: I love Glee. I love, love, love the show. It's a bit of bright, shiny happiness in the dullness of the week. The show is upbeat, it's well-written, well-performed and… well, it's a musical TV show, so it's about as gay as a Prada bag full of rainbows.

I do have one bone to pick. While I do love that the show has not just one, but two out-in-the-open gay characters, I do have to question why both of them are raging stereotypes. One is a queeny, young twink that wears nothing but top designer fashion and leotards while prancing in front of a camera performing Beyonce's Single Ladies to the step, and the other is a bitter, jaded old 'mo that wears flashy, loud colors while lisping, living all by his lonesome because he's old and collects dolls as a replacement for real emotional attachment. That's kind of shady.

Granted, the show is full of stereotypes, and we're only on Episode 4. There's plenty of time for the writers to take the two gay characters to new heights, or introduce another LGBT person to the cast that doesn't ring completely of stereotyped dribble. But as it is, the show is simultaneously putting gay people front and center in the public eye, which is good, and reinforcing negative images of our people, which is bad.

When people my age were growing up and dealing with our sexuality, we had a hard time coping with it because the only media images we saw of gay people were sad, sappy movies where all the gay people die of AIDS, crappy news stories about how evil gay people are and how we need to be regulated out of basic human rights, and stories of young gay men and women being beaten to death by drunken hillbillies. For sure, we at least had images of Gays In The World, but nothing that made us jump for joy with excitement about joining that culture. With the generation that's coming up now, they don't even want to identify as Gay because there are just too many negative connotations that go along with it, and will portrayals of all gay men as effeminate, lonely, and disturbed really help to fix that issue?

It's possible I'm taking this too far. It's a TV show, it's fun, I love it, all my gay friends and almost all my straight friends love it as well… I should just let it go and enjoy it for its entertainment value. And it hasn't really had time to fully explore the characters just yet. But all I'm saying is here's to hoping the can pull the show's cast out of stereotype land and deliver them to a place that's full of interesting, deep stories that can only be told with the help of 3-5 songs a week.

And A Stereotype Shall Emerge For All

This weekend, the boyfriend and I went to see He's Just Not That Into You. The previews looked charming enough and a silly, light, romantic comedy was exactly what we needed, and since this was the latest and greatest (and since Ben Affleck was in it) we gave it a shot.

The movie itself was exactly what we thought it would be: easy-to-comprehend, light, funny, romantic. Nothing out of the ordinary for the typical Hollywood romance. We both enjoyed it and left completely satisfied with the $22 we spent to sit in a crowded theater. The more I think about it though, there was something that bothered me the whole time: the blatant use abuse of stereotypes.

A lot of Hollywood flicks rely on stereotypes. Ok, just about all of them do to one extent or another. This movie may have just taken the cake though. Observe the stereotypes:

All men are pigs
All gay men are queeny
Men are afraid of commitment
Women can't control their emotions
Women are clingy
All contractors are Latino and illegal immigrants/undocumented workers
All married men will cheat on their spouse
All women blame themselves when their man cheats
Gay men are a financial "market" to be tapped
Every woman's ultimate goal in life is marriage
Husbands are slovenly beasts that must be cared for by women
Wiccans are all crazy, socially malfunctioning people

I'm sure there are more, but those are the ones that pop to mind with just a quick pass threw of the plot. That's pretty annoying! I understand that some characters in a story must be static, and therefore rely on some form of stereotype, do all the characters need to?

Putting that annoyance aside, somehow the director and writer were able to put together an entertaining movie all-in-all. By the end of the movie, some of the above stereotypes were broken for the even greater stereotype of every romantic comedy: People will change for Love. Not all of them, mind you, just the straight, white people…

OK, getting off my political soap box now. Somehow, through all the utter BS the movie threw at me, I still came away enjoying it, which is pretty much a contradiction of what I believe in. Maybe it's because it managed to be funny. Maybe it's because it had a sick sense of reality to it. Or maybe it's because my boyfriend really liked it, and like the characters in the movie, I'm just a bit more malleable because of love than I ever thought I could be.