The Brides Of Boystown

A friend of mine (holla Teresa!) asked me my thoughts about the recent shit storm that's being caused by some bars in Boystown outright banning bachelorette parties. I've been sitting on this idea for a few days because I wanted to gather my thoughts on the issue wholly before I responded.

First, let me state up front that this is really not a new issue. Personally, I'm baffled as to why this is becoming a big "to do" again. This policy has been in place at the few bars in Boystown that have it for years now, at least as long as I've lived here. I suppose the right bride-to-be was denied access to the go-go boys at Cocktails and threw a fit. Whatever the reason, it's a good topic to discuss.

Second, it should be noted that not all bars in B-Town ban these parties. In fact, only a handful do. Personally, I can only think of two: Charlie's and Cocktails. Apparently Sidetrack has a quasi-policy, but they don't hold to it well because I've had several Bachelorette parties nearly ruin my night out there. The article that started this most recent round of debate makes it sound as if every bar in Boystown is Straight Hostile, which is far from the truth. Several of the bars welcome the girls nights… I can't speak for why, but they do. Money, I suppose.

With those two things discussed, we're off the magical land of Dickie's opinion. Should we ban Bachelorette parties from gay bars until equal marriage rights are enjoyed by the LGBT community? Yes. And no.

As just about any gay man that's been to Boystown in the summer can tell you, girl parties are pretty popular there. Not just Bachelorette parties, but "girls night out"s as well. For the most part, the Girls Night Out's don't bother anyone. They get a little tipsy, maybe flirt with a gay guy or two, possibly even make new friends, and probably start questioning why they even bother with straight clubs. I mean, the music at straight bars always sucks, and the guys tend to be a roving band a testosterone laden, chest-pounding apes. OK, that was a bit judgmental… just a bit though.

However, Bachelorette parties are a totally different beast. Women often like to believe, or at least perpetuate the belief, that their B-parties are casual, light affairs with nothing big or exciting happening. And while some (or most, who knows?) are, the ones I see on a regular basis are far from that. Every weekend night in B-town, it's easy to spot at least one (usually more) party busses or trollie roving up and down N. Halsted St. packed full of less than sober women screaming and yelling and tossing giant blow-up penises into the herd of gay boys strolling the street. Every single weekend night. That is not an exaggeration.

To top that, they then proceed to stumble into one of the bars along the strip. Typically, they try to force their way into Sidetrack (which is already standing-on-top-of-each-other room only), Roscoe's (who doesn't love a dance floor… oh wait, that fire took care of that), or Circuit (drag queens sure are funny, aren't they?). When they do make their way into a bar, they have an enormous sense of entitlement about them, as if every gay man should make room for the soon to be deflowered woman and her friends so they can get drinks. Or, for even more fun, they try to pull in whatever helpless 'mo that happens to be standing around into their roving band of drunkenness. In the end, what they do is cause a stir, one that is usually not met with happy homos bursting into song and dance, like we do in the movies, and that stir causes many gay patrons (you know, the ones that want to actually buy drinks and don't mind tipping…) to up and leave.

From my tone, you can tell I'm not the biggest fan of the processionals. Here's why: without fail, when you ask the drunk chicks what they think about marriage equality, they have to pause and think about it. What is there to think about? When they remember they are surrounded by Queens, they all say "absolutely!" or "You know, I didn't use to, but I do now!" Which, of course, means that given the anonymity of a voting booth, they'd shoot down out rights just for shigiggles.

Many of these parties come to Boystown because they think we're a petting zoo. "Oh, look, it's a Gay! Can I touch him? Aaawwww, he's soooo cute! I wonder is Bobby will let me keep him…" That's how we're made to feel, as if we're the weird ones in our own homes. They don't come to B-town to party with us, they come and want us to party for them. They come and expect us to join in their celebration when they can't even take 10 minutes out of their day to learn about gay culture and what it is like to be in a gay bar, and then gawk at us when we make out with our boyfriend or point and laugh at the "Tranny" strolling down the street. They are plain out rude and unkind.

So it would stand to reason that I would be all for the ban then. But I'm not. I don't think we should ban anyone from our establishments unless they are outright hostile toward us, of course. "But Dickie," you say, "You just went on and on about how much you hate these friggin' bachelorette parties! Why wouldn't you want to ban them from the gay bars?!" Well, because I wouldn't want to be banned from their bars.

You see, discrimination is a two-way street. Just because I'm a minority that has traditionally been oppressed by the heterosexist majority, and in particular the marriage equality issue is very sensitive to our community right now, does not mean we should return the favor. At least not officially.

Do you want to stop these parties from invading our bars, like I do? STOP PARTYING WITH THEM! Don't make them feel welcome. We shouldn't bar them outright, be we can certainly, as a community, make them feel like they are the scum of the earth for rubbing their privileged status in our faces. Don't buy them drinks. Don't move out of the way. Don’t wave in glee as the honk at you on the street. Don't engage in jovial, stereotyped conversations about "OMG, you look sooo pretty!" What should you do? Challenge them. Ask them what the last thing they did to support equal marriage rights was. Tell them, in no uncertain terms, that we are not to be enjoyed like puppies for the evening then tossed aside when they want to go back to their "normal" lives.

You know what else we can do? Make them pay. Literally, with cash. This happens all the time a hetero clubs. A group of guys and girls show up, the women are let in free and the men are charged $40 a head. It's sexist and it's wrong, but it's time to turn the table. We gay boys can get in free, and our Fairy Princesses are welcome as well (they know how to behave), but if you want to be a rowdy gaggle of drunkenness causing all sorts of problems in our bars, then you need to pay for that privilege. You are more than welcome to do so, but please be prepared to shell out $20 a head for your party of 25 girls. Oh, and if you start causing issues, you'll be sent packing. Learn to play nice or go back to Wrigleyville.

When my boyfriend and I go to straight bars, we don't stop being gay. We are still affectionate and continue with our business as usual, but we also don't go to the DJ and ask for Madonna all night long. We don't strip to our skivvies and get on the bar top and dance. We don't expect them to roll our the pride flag, and we certainly don't point and gawk at all "the breeders." We are ourselves, but we respect that we are in someone else's territory. But you better god damn believe that if some asinine doorman tried to keep us out of a club because we're queer there would be all sort of hell to pay. If we don't feel comfortable or welcome, we leave. It sucks, but its a fact of life.

The bottom line is that, although these bars are probably in the wrong for out right banning Bachelorette parties, these girl parties should really consider their behavior and their surroundings before they set out for the evening. Bars like Kit Kat Club are more than happy to host Bachelorette parties and they are perfectly satisfied being your petting zoo. If the parties can't behave appropriately, then they should probably consider other plans.