I spent this past weekend moving. In fact, we sent the past 2 weeks moving, but this last weekend was the physical transference piece of it, so I feel like I've been beat down. Also, it's the main reason why I haven't been updating I'm Just Gaying… that out of the way, here's the point of this post.A friend of ours recently dated a young, young man. Although the guy was in his early 20's, it was a little bit obvious that he was emotionally in his mid teens, as evidenced by the mixed CD's the young man made to express his feelings for our friend. Now, I'm not trying to diss mixed CD's full of sappy songs written about subjects entirely different than what is trying to be conveyed (ok, yeah, I am a little). I'm not even trying to put down the youngun for his decidedly high school attempts at showing emotion. What I am trying to point out is that a gay man in his twenties was acting like every boy in his teens.
I've long held a belief that gay men are a bit slow emotionally. It's a tragic thought, but I think it's pretty well true. While our Hetero counter-parts are running around in their formative years discovering emotions like love and lust, and enjoying first kisses and sex, the Homo set is often left on the curbside. Many times, we walk through the motions of the Hetero world, experimenting with the opposite sex, but since it's all pantomime for us, we just don't get the same sort of education from it. We don't learn to control our lusty eyes when we find someone attractive, or to control ourselves around someone we are flirting with, much less the fine art of flirting. And we don't learn that mixed tapes are not an acceptable means of presenting your feelings to someone.
When the young 'Mos finally start dating, it's like they are 15 all over again, no matter what age they finally come out. In every other aspect of their lives, they may be mature and well-adjusted, but the dating piece just doesn’t fit in with the rest of their age bracket. Giggles and shyness all the sudden rear their ugly head. And while it's kind of cute, it is really more sad than anything. Because of the societal pressures, many gay men are emotionally stunted several years, making dating an interesting proposition for any of us.
I was a lucky one, I think, or maybe just part of a newer, more open generation. I was able to start dating young, around the same time as most of my peers. Sure, I missed out on the very early middle-school stuff, but come high school, I was dating other boys. The problem I ran into was that in my early-mid twenties, most other guys I met were just starting that journey, and therefore not really looking for what I was looking for. I got so frustrated that I refused to date for nearly 2 years. I wasn't good at keeping up that refusal, but I was quickly reminded of why I quit dating as soon as I would go on that first date.
A few years later, here I am moving in with my boyfriend. It's a scary thought at times, but way more often its exhilarating and exciting and it fills me with pride and joy. It kills me that we've both had to work through some ridiculously hard issues to get to this point, more issues than the standard problems our Hetero counterparts have to deal with, but I'm thrilled that we've been strong enough to do it. And it saddens me to know that there are many other gay people out there that will have to go through much worse. But you know what? I don't know everything about dating, and rarely do I give relationship advice, but I can make one guarantee: making a mixed CD for someone over 16 is a sure-fire way of getting yourself out of a relationship quickly. Just ask our recently single again friend.
3 comments:
You make good points. Here are mine:
1) I actually don't see anything wrong with getting a mix CD. I mean, I'd prefer it on a USB drive, but whatever, right? I give mix CDs to friends and lovers all the time. I don't use them as a substitute for an honest conversation though, if that's what you were getting at in your post.
2) While the homosexual dating world does run a bit on the shallow side, and most gay men are immature little scamps, I think there comes a hardness with growing up in the closet that likely lends itself to a certain degree of social isolation. And social isolation -- for the right people -- can lead to introspection, growth and maturity. So while I'm all sorts of happy that people are coming out younger and younger, I don't necessarily believe it makes them any more readily available for the dating world. It's really a case-by-case basis. Even if you'd come out three months ago instead of many years, I believe you'd have the mental wherewithal to navigate the tricky business you're currently involved in. I've also known people who've been out for fucking ever and still cannot manage breathing.
Your post is a little cynical, but I have to agree with your sentiments. I've encountered too many gay men who are exactly as you say: immature nitwits who will do anything for an easy trick and resort to short-sighted high school games.
The Mix CD is a perfect example. I also think that balding 40-somethings wearing A&F and baseball caps is another.
I have to agree with you Barleycorn. My boyfriend was really only out about a year before we met, and there's a couple I know here that have been together for 4 years, one of the partners had just come out and his boyfriend was the only gay guy he knew at the time.
And yes, the whole process lends a bit of steel to our shells, at least most of us.
I'm just getting at the idea that I think gay men have a stunted emotional experience, not at all our own problem or fault, but more so because of society.
You can make me a mix USB thumb drive anytime though ;)
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