Surprising Homophobia

Sometimes you encounter homophobia in the oddest places. You think you are "safe" being around people you know, but then the bomb drops and you are just left dumbfounded. This weekend, I was smacked across the face with just such a case of homophobia that was barely hidden beneath a polish of politeness.

Introductions

My husband and I were invited to a house warming party by a very friendly coworker. Being that we've not had the opportunity to hang out with this person outside of work, and that we were promised free alcohol, we decided to take the friend up on the offer and make our way to the party.

Going to a new friend's party is always a bit awkward. You know you're going to meet lots of new people but you have no idea if you'll get along with them. You hope you will because you get along with the host. You also have no idea if these people are going to be "ok with The Gay" or not, and again, you hope they will be because the host is. But you never really know what to expect, so you go in with your head high and assuming the best, prepared for the worst.

It turned out to be mostly a family party, with our friend and his girlfriend's family accounting for almost all of the guests, so being the random coworker and his husband was already a bit odd, but everyone was friendly enough and conversation came easily, if a little strained. Everyone had smiles on, but many of the other guest had a look of suspicion in their eyes as well.

Our first indication that things may not have been as fun as they seemed should have been when the coworker introduced us around. We were introduced as "This is Coworker, and this is Dickie." Notice the lack of any connection between us. My husband being introduced as Coworker explained him being invited, but Random Guy Here Next To Him had no logical reason for being there. I was not introduced as a friend of the host, nor as being connected to Coworker at all.

As the alcohol flowed a bit more, people relaxed and tensions (as well as suspicions) eased. We introduced ourselves as husbands to those who inquired and didn't receive any more negative feedback than a couple temporary looks of confusion or surprise which were invariable replaced by "Oh, that's cool." But things didn't stay that easy throughout the evening.

Only "Real Men" Allowed

As anyone that has read here for a while, or anyone that knows me outside my virtual identity, knows, I'm pretty pro military. I'm very pro-DADT repeal. It may seem odd that a Progressive would be pro-military, but I've always believed that a strong defense is the best offense. That may be the result of growing up in a military family, but I've reinforced that belief since childhood so I can state that it's not an irrational belief and is something that I can support in a discussion on the topic.

So when I was told by someone at the party that only Real Men serve in the armed forces and that is why gay men won't serve (the implication is that gay men are not Real Men), I was taken aback. I was further informed that I'm less of a man because I refused to join the military while DADT was still law. I've stated here before: joining the military is a personal decision and one that everyone that does so must weigh heavily, particularly LGBT people who must understand the extent to which the law forces closeting on them, and I chose to not volunteer my services because I strongly disagree with lying about who I am. But to be told that I am obviously less of a man because of that decision, and in light of the reasoning for that person telling me this, I felt like I was slapped with the power of raw, unbridled Homophobia. But it didn't end there.

We should have left at that point. We should have taken that queue and taken our leave. There were those present at the gathering that did not want us there. That was now obvious. But Husband wanted to stay because we were there by Coworker's invitation. Husband quelled the military discussion and got everyone to smile and move on (one of Husband's many talents) and things went back to normal. For a time.

Straw, Meet Camel's Back

Then, of course, it hit. During a discussion of why some couples chose to marry, spawned by someone being brave enough to ask why the token gay couple chose to marry while a few of the hetero couples chose to no marry just yet or not marry at all. The conversation was going along just fine until someone mentioned that she thought all gay men were promiscuous, so therefore marriage shouldn't be granted to gay men. After all, she has another gay friend and he's promiscuous, so all gay men must be.

That is when we decided it was best to leave. There simply was nothing left to say. We could have sat and argued, we could have ostracized this person, we could have started a screaming match, but after feeling like we had been shat on three times in one evening, whether overtly or not, we knew it was time to cut our loses and go. We let this person know we found their opinion offensive, stated our point again, then excused ourselves from the party.

How To Fight

I realize Coworker is not a homophobe, although he may still have some issues to work through. And many of the party-goers were not homophobes either. One of the couple's we were speaking to made it clear their dedication to gay rights. But also no one spoke up against the vocal homophobe at the party. Maybe they were all just as shocked by what this person was saying, or maybe they just did not know what to say, or maybe they thought it best not to rock the boat too much. I can't blame them too much, I suppose, but passive acceptance of bigoted views is almost as bad as having and expressing those views.

Should we have busted out the rainbow flags and endless looped house remixes of Madonna and Cher mashups? Should we have stayed our ground a bit more, social situation be damned? Should we have simply left earlier in the evening at the first warning signs? I can't really answer any of those questions, but I do feel like we made the best decision for us: we stated our disagreement with the homophobe and put forth our views then moved on when it was obvious this person was not going to change their views.

It still just amazes me that this kind of homophobia is accepted and allowed to fester, and it still amazes me that people have the gall to state their bigoted views right to our faces and expect no retribution. But if we're the only ones fighting back, who is there to force a change in that person's heart?

In any case, we've learned a valuable lesson: love your friends, but be weary of their friends. Just because your friend is a good person it doesn't mean they always associate with or are related to other good people. But I'm still left wondering how best to handle that situation in the future, as I'm sure this is not that last time we'll encounter a homophobe in hiding.